Five Years

Five years ago, I was busy taking my engagement photos.  Now, I'm busy sewing hair accessories for my two girls Halloween costumes! It blows my mind how fast this half a decade has gone.  Thanks to my good friend, Skyler Glass (https://www.facebook.com/ttlookingglassphotography), I was able to recreate some of our engagement photos.  As exciting as my engagement was, especially only a few months before the wedding, nothing compares to the fullness I have with my girls.  I look forward to our next photo shoot in 5 years...

Just One Grape - The Power of Consequences

     This is a story I wrote out in my English 101 class, as a Sophomore at PBU (now Cairn University).  It is a true story, and one that I remember rather clearly! It was a shaping moment in my life.

    As a young child, I had an obsession over grapes, I loved them and would choose them over candy, if given the choice.  The one day I was grocery shopping with my parents and older brother.  I disliked shopping and was rather bitter to be in the store.  I was following my mother closely when I saw the grape stand.  They had my favorite colored ones, the green kind, and I was so excited of the possibility to get some.  During this time, my family was rather poor, and fruit was a rare treat.  I begged my mom to buy some green grapes for me, but she claimed not to have enough money to buy them and everything else she needed.  After hearing her, I became even more better to be stuck in the store.  As we moved on I noticed a lone green grape that had rolled free of the bags, and had come to a rest right at the edge of the stand.  The lone grape was just in reach of my little greedy fingers. With a sly smile I took the grape and put in in the pocket of my jacket.
     Once we were done shopping, we headed home in our maroon van.  I was all the way in the back seat, with my brother in the middle row, and my parents in front.  I sat there with my precious grape and contemplated the perfect time to pop the grape into my mouth.  I only had one grape so I wanted to make sure I would enjoy the tasty morsel.  As I sat there debating when to eat my little green grape, my older brother turned around and saw what I held in my hand.  "Give me one!" He whispered harshly.  I pleaded with him, "No! I only have one!" With that JJ turned around in his seat and announced to my parents, "MOM! DAD! Kristy has a g grape!" My parents were silent for what felt like eternity.  Then my Dad calmly asked me where I had gotten my precious treasure.  I confessed my sin slowly and painfully.
     Once we arrived home, my father turned to me and said, "go to your room, I will be there in a second." This of course meant that a spanking by a leather belt was on the way.  I went to my room crying out for Jesus to come back quickly, but God thought it better that I reap the consequence for my sin.  A moment later, my father arrived and I had my spanking, which was painful as usual. As my dad gave me a reassuring hug, I was relieved that the punishment was over.  But my punishment was far from over... Turning to me with the green grape in his hand, my father asked me, "You know what we have to do now? We are going back to the store and you are going to apologize for stealing this grape."
     That was the longest drive I have ever been on... We arrived at the grocery store, and sought out a manager.  I will never forget the confused look on the ladies face, as I handed her that single lousy grape.  Nor will I forget the question she asked me, "So... are you ever going to steal again?" I turned to her with a tear stained face, wishing nothing more but to sink into the floor, and sobbed out "NO!!!"  And you know what? I kept my word.

***     I know there are a lot of opinions on spanking, and 'shaming' your kids as discipline.  My parents had a very loving approach to spanking, they never hit me in anger, I was never afraid of them.  spanking was not just an action, but a discussion.  I learned that I would always have a consequence for my actions, and as in this case, those consequences would eventually be out in the real world, not the privacy of my home.  Spanking taught me to think before acting, not out of fear but out of respect for others.

Purpose

Romans 8:26-2(NKJV)

26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us[a] with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

    What is MY purpose here? It is a question that most people find themselves asking, at one point or another.  If you were to read my personal journal, you would even find that it is the theme throughout.  We all want to have a purpose, something that fills our soul, and makes us proud.  What happens when someone cannot find their purpose? In my experience: depression, anxiety, anger, guilt...  Without the Holy Spirit, it would have been deafening, defeating, despairing, destructive... But amid my wordless pain, I have an intercessor.  He has lifted me up when I should have sunk to the bottom.  The Holy Spirit whispers to our hearts where no person could ever reach.  And when we can't find the words to pray... He intercedes for us with wordless groanings. That is beautiful. 
   That brings me back to MY purpose.  Notice verse 28, "...called according to HIS purpose." What if, I've been asking the wrong question.  What if everyone is asking the wrong question.  What if OUR purpose will always fall short of what our hearts long for.  And what if that is because the question really is, "What is HIS purpose".  How does that change how we should live our lives? I suppose it should change a great deal... 
   So with HIS purpose in mind, and not OUR purpose; How does that change your parenting, your job, your hobbies, your ministry... redefine these things as His portion to us... His talents that He has blessed us with (Matthew 25:14-30). It isn't about Your, It is about following HIS example.  What a gift the Bible is to us, so that we can pour over it and learn about HIS examples.  What a gift the Holy Spirit is, to hear and comprehend our wordless pain, who can guide our broken hearts back to God (over and over and over again).  We have an amazing God, who knitted us together (Psalm 139), who knows us intimately in a way no human can ever imagine.  I am in Awe of His power and glory and grace. May I only live for HIS purpose. 

Unbelievable Faithfulness, to a Lump of Clay

     Have you ever failed God? I have, hundreds of times! Isn't it amazing that God remains faithful to us? That He is extraordinarily patient and gracious to us? That no matter how many times we fail Him, He will never fail us!?  We really are so blessed to have a God like Him.  The last 6 months, God has been revealing this to me in a personal way.  You know the story of Job? ya... I think I sorta know how Job felt as God revealed His awesomeness and power... It shuts you up real quick! 

    I little bit ago, I decided I was sick and tired of all the skin-deep relationships I had... So I decided to let my self be transparent, to everyone... It felt so awesome to not put any walls up, to be me... all of me.  That quickly led to me realizing how sinful I really am.  Somehow, I had hid myself from myself.  Then I noticed that people really didn't appreciate my transparency at all. In fact, some people walked away once they saw what I really looked like.  

    I can not explain to you how much this hurt! Not being accepted for who I am is a confirmation of how worthless I believe myself to be.  God let me hit bottom.  He took me to a desert of solitude, and it was only there, that I could hear Him whispering to my heart.  God was faithful, He was just molding me.  Taking my ugly form, and reshaping it into what He could see.  

    I'm currently being reshaped.  It is a long and hard process, but a change that will stay in me.  I'm being moved from an immature faith, to an ever growing one.  This change will never end until i'm in Heaven.  But how wonderful is that thought? that instead of God quickly molding us and then putting us on a shelf to be seen; He intimately works on us constantly.  Perhaps that is the mistake I so often make; believing my relationship with God puts Him and I on equal terms; but in reality, I'm a lump of clay and God is the master artist.  If only we could remain content in his working hands; and not seek to control our lives.  For what can a lump of clay really control? Thank you God for your faithfulness and love to me, because if you ever were to give up on me, I'd be a lump of clay on the floor; utterly useless. 

The Day Before

    The day before is always the hardest for me.  Tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of my mom's death; but today marks the anniversary of my last chance to talk to her.  Today, seven years ago, was a Monday.  Sunday I noticed I had a voicemail, It was mom checking in, she said she missed me and hoped to hear from me soon.  I made a mental note to call her back and deleted the message.  Monday came and went, and I never called her back.  Oh I regret this so much! I was so wrapped up in my college experience, Spring break was around the corner... I thought I had all the time in the world.  But that was my last day to talk to her.  My last chance to say I love you... I missed it.
    At my mom's viewing, I was reminded how much my mom missed my phone calls.  In a horrible moment, one of my mom's coworkers burst into tears and asked me, "why didn't you call her? why didn't you call her more?".  I doubt that woman ever knew how much that moment tore my heart.  It was the moment that I suddenly felt all the guilt.  I missed the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, how much I looked up to her, how proud I am to be her daughter.
    As painful as that experience was, and still is.  It is a reminder to not miss opportunities again.  I pray often that God will open my eyes to His whispered leading... whether it is to smile at the homeless, to pray for someone that pops into my head, talk about Jesus to my daughters... whatever, I pray I will always have the courage to "do the next best thing" that God leads me too (one of my Mother-in-laws beautiful and difficult quotes).
   

Mirrored

     Have you ever had that moment, where you catch yourself saying something or doing something, and you think... "wow that is totally something my mom would do."? You know what is even more terrifying? When something your child does or says reminds you of yourself... like, the ugly side of yourself.  Recently this has been happening a lot with Esther.  It really is like looking at a mirror all day.  Most of it makes me smile and its cute... but sometimes, it is horrifying.  It is a humbling experience, and one I hope I don't forget soon; but most of all I hope I can learn from it.  When your looking in a mirror you can see the stray hair, or smudge of dirt and you can fix it.  I pray that I will react in the same way when I see my reflection in Esther.

Embrace the Mess

     It's been ten weeks and two days since we moved into our new home.  It has been the most stressful, and emotional journey I have ever tackled.  I've had to balance a "normal" routine, unpack, renovate, and maintain a house; all the while dealing with two toddlers.  They are professional mess makers, and manage to make more disasters, than I can make improvements.  This crazy winter has not helped... and the girls have been sick the whole month of January and still counting.  But I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, a husband who comes home every day, and two girls who love me.  I'm a blessed woman, and I guess i'm just learning to embrace the mess.