The Day Before

    The day before is always the hardest for me.  Tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of my mom's death; but today marks the anniversary of my last chance to talk to her.  Today, seven years ago, was a Monday.  Sunday I noticed I had a voicemail, It was mom checking in, she said she missed me and hoped to hear from me soon.  I made a mental note to call her back and deleted the message.  Monday came and went, and I never called her back.  Oh I regret this so much! I was so wrapped up in my college experience, Spring break was around the corner... I thought I had all the time in the world.  But that was my last day to talk to her.  My last chance to say I love you... I missed it.
    At my mom's viewing, I was reminded how much my mom missed my phone calls.  In a horrible moment, one of my mom's coworkers burst into tears and asked me, "why didn't you call her? why didn't you call her more?".  I doubt that woman ever knew how much that moment tore my heart.  It was the moment that I suddenly felt all the guilt.  I missed the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, how much I looked up to her, how proud I am to be her daughter.
    As painful as that experience was, and still is.  It is a reminder to not miss opportunities again.  I pray often that God will open my eyes to His whispered leading... whether it is to smile at the homeless, to pray for someone that pops into my head, talk about Jesus to my daughters... whatever, I pray I will always have the courage to "do the next best thing" that God leads me too (one of my Mother-in-laws beautiful and difficult quotes).
   

Mirrored

     Have you ever had that moment, where you catch yourself saying something or doing something, and you think... "wow that is totally something my mom would do."? You know what is even more terrifying? When something your child does or says reminds you of yourself... like, the ugly side of yourself.  Recently this has been happening a lot with Esther.  It really is like looking at a mirror all day.  Most of it makes me smile and its cute... but sometimes, it is horrifying.  It is a humbling experience, and one I hope I don't forget soon; but most of all I hope I can learn from it.  When your looking in a mirror you can see the stray hair, or smudge of dirt and you can fix it.  I pray that I will react in the same way when I see my reflection in Esther.

Embrace the Mess

     It's been ten weeks and two days since we moved into our new home.  It has been the most stressful, and emotional journey I have ever tackled.  I've had to balance a "normal" routine, unpack, renovate, and maintain a house; all the while dealing with two toddlers.  They are professional mess makers, and manage to make more disasters, than I can make improvements.  This crazy winter has not helped... and the girls have been sick the whole month of January and still counting.  But I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, a husband who comes home every day, and two girls who love me.  I'm a blessed woman, and I guess i'm just learning to embrace the mess.