My dad brokenly told me, "Kristy, Mom was in a car accident... she didn't make it." my heart dashed instantly to pieces. "what?" I shakily responded. It wasn't a question, but a verbal response to the sudden finality to it all. No goodbye, no last phone conversation, no last smile, no last "I love you". It was the end of my childhood. "Kristy, go outside and find someone, anyone! please." I faintly realized I was now on the ground and screaming in pure emotional pain. I blindly ran outside and into the arms of a fellow classmate.
It is amazing how, during a crisis, time slows down. Its as if you are both reeling from it and having a out of body experience at the same time. I remember screaming at Seth, incapable of any sort of calm explanation, trying to explain that my Mom was gone. At the same time, I was inwardly noticing his response, that he looked scared and completely caught off guard. Next moment, He was gone, trying to get me help. The pain blurred everything around me, I vaguely remember my roomates asking me, frantically, whats wrong?
It was snowing. that absolute quietness was smothering me. My life was being sucked out of me, like the scene straight from Princess Bride, I screamed. "listen, do you hear? That is the sound of
ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now." That scene is the best way I can explain that moment. My heart could not bare the pain, and so I screamed, it was the only way I could let go of the pain. I faced the sky and screamed a inhuman cry.
Suddenly, In the midst of my cry. strong arms engulfed me, I felt the strong body start shaking with sobs right along with me. Utter Christ like comfort was all around me.
"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you."
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you. Where can I go from your Spirit?"
It was Mark, my future husband, who was God's angel to me in that moment. His comfort brought me out of the blinding pain, and back to a place where I could begin my grief journey. Somehow, I made it into the Library, where one by one, my fellow class mates came in and sat with me. No words were said, just a quiet peace, a mutual sadness. It was amazingly comforting, and to this day a powerful memory. As I got ready to fly home, all my classmates wrote me letters. I still have every single one, and cherish them. God blessed me with a flight home that day, along with a ticket for Mark to go with me.
The flight was the nicest I have ever been on. It was practically empty, and the whole flight was first class. Each seat could of fit two people, and they brought me milk and warm chocolate chip cookies! As tears streamed down my face, and marveled out loud how wonderful this flight was. It was so surreal. We arrived at the Philly airport, where Karen and Julie Brubaker picked us up to drive us home. When I arrived Home the finality hit me again. She was not there to greet me at the door. Or in her stamping room making cards. She was gone.
The viewing and funeral was a whirl wind of people and cards, love and pain. It has been six years of slow healing, and immeasurable love from God through people and scripture. I now have two beautiful daughters, my Mother's grandchildren. They will not meet her in this world, but they will know her spirit through my memories. I pray that I can be half the woman and mother she was to me.
Mom, I love and miss you so much! I look forward to the day we can run to each other with a long hug and loving kiss. Your loving Daughter, Kristy
