Grieving Time Lost

 

   I was thinking about things I miss today...  Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of my mom's death. The wound of her being gone is healed, but just like when cold weather can suddenly aggravate an old wound,  So does memories aggravate old emotional wounds.  Have you ever had a moment, where you smell, hear, touch something... and it brings you straight to a old memory? Sometimes, I'll be walking in the mall, and someone will brush past me, and I'm hit with the memory of my mom. Simply because they were wearing my mom's perfume.  My mom wore Love Spell, which is a rather popular fragrance.  Some times I don't know if that is a good thing or bad.  I actually have a bottle of her perfume, but I never seem able to wear it.  The passing fragrance is all I can handle.  The emotions I feel are almost indescribable.  Like the thrill and terror at the top of a roller coaster.  It brings in all the devastation of her lose, along with a hope that maybe that was her.  Your heart soars in hope, and your head stabs it back down.
    I was thinking of sounds I miss.  the tap of a typewriter (yes i'm that old... my mom taught me how to type on a typewriter), The hum and rumble of a Jacuzzi (I was blessed to grow up with one, and I had all my best conversations with my mom there), Her voice, Her laugh, her singing... The rusty slice of the paper cutter.  My mom was a Stampin Up demonstrator, she loved to scrap book and make cards.  She would spend hours in the cold living room slicing and stamping away.  I resented all that time she took for that hobby.  She so desperately wanted me to like stamping, but I just didn't enjoy it.
    I wish I had been into crocheting back then... when I'm creating a new amigurumi, I always think of her, what her suggestions would be, her reactions to the finished product... I'm pretty sure she would make me make her one of everything.  Most of all, I think about how I wish I was working in that cold living room, sitting by her stamping stuff, and just chatting.
    God has blessed me with awesome woman of faith.  I appreciate every last one of them.  But there will always be something about a mother's love, that can never be replaced. I am blessed with two beautiful girls that I can love just as much as my mom loved me.  I treasure that, in the way of someone who truly knows the value of a mother's love, and the emptiness once it is lost.
    Every year marks another year of loss.  For this year, I grieve that my mom missed out on my girls forming a sisterly relationship.  I grieve that she wont make Esther a pink birthday card, that she isn't a part of my crocheting amigurumi (even if only a cheerleader), I grieve the loss of her counsel while I deal with uncontrollably hyper children, her laughing over binky dragons and raw eggs on carpets.  But I grieve for myself, for I know where she is, is far better.  Far better than I can imagine or comprehend.  The lost time on earth is but a breath compared to the time I will have with her in heaven.  For my grieve on earth is temporary, my hope is eternal.  One day I will see her again, and it will be all joy, my heart will soar and nothing will destroy it.  Oh for that beautiful gift that God has giving us.  What beautiful hope.  

Revalation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."